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Good morning! Guess who is 37 years old today? Yeah ... that would be ME! So, being my birthday and all, I get to do whatever I want. Unfortunately, we can't have a weekend-long blog party like we did last year because I'm headed out of town tomorrow. So, we'll just have to make the most of the day! Let's get started with some music!
Are you dancing yet? Don't worry. You will be by the end of the post so don't go away. There's a contest and a freebie. You just have to get through all of my blabbering first.
I sat down yesterday, like I have for the past several years on the day before my birthday, and created a layout to commemorate another year. I had the idea to put a circle for every year I have been alive. Turned out to be a lot of circles! But here is the end result. See the layout credits here.
FREE SHIT!
What fun would this party be without a door prize? So here you have it ... a brand new kit called The Grand Illusion. But before I give you the download links, I have to tell you to keep reading because there is a contest in just a minute. And now, proceed to download the papers and elements.
Here are some layouts I have created with the kit.
What's that? The song is over? Here's some Rihanna to keep you dancing!
THE CONTESTS
Contest #1 ... WIN MY SHOPPE! Use the above kit to create a layout. That's it. No other rules. I'll pick my favorite and that person will receive a link to every one of my kits! To enter, email me a link to your layout before Tuesday, July 31st. My email address is Robyn at ScrapArtist dot com.
Contest #2 ... TELL ME A JOKE! Most of you know by now that I have a pretty warped sense of humor so don't worry if the joke is a bit 'off' because you won't offend me. Just leave me a comment with your best joke. I'll pick my favorite 3 and those people will win a limited edition ATC kit. I made the kit a few months ago as a prize for 22 people. But three of the prizes went unclaimed so I'm giving them away here.
I'll announce the winners on Wednesday here on the blog. That's it for now. Like I said, I will be out of town starting tomorrow so have a great weekend!!
Little Red Riding Hood happens to read the story with her in it, so before she leaves for Grandma's house, she puts a gun in her basket. As she is walking along in the forest, the Big Bad Wolf comes up to her and says, "I'm going to take you and fuck the shit out of you!"
ReplyDeleteLittle Red pulls out the gun and points it at him and say, "No you aren't, you're gonna eat me, just like the story says."
Hope you like it, and Happy Birthday. Thanks so much for the free kit!
Ramona
Happy B-day, Robyn!!!!! Have a wonderful one! Enjoy your day at full blast!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for your gorgeous gift! I'll try to create something with that(but thinking what to do with you little ones, lol..)
I'm here with my Adissage wearing on and still dancing :), you made my morning, girl!
Happy happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Robyn...I love the kit and Happy Happy B'day. I'm sending you a pitcher of cyber mojitos.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty lame when it comes to jokes 'cause my kids are all under 8, so I know things like "why does the chicken coop only have two doors?...becuase if it had four it would be a sedan!!"
I don't know about your politics (so I'm not trying to offend), but I did run across this the other day that amused me: President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Episcopal Church outside Washington as part of his campaign to restore his poll standings.
Bush's campaign manager made a visit to the Bishop, and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, Katrina, and the like.
We'd gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during
your sermon you'd say the President is a saint."
The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is in desperate need of funds and I will agree to do it."
Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began:
"I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President. George
Bush is a liar, a cheat, and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people.
He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money,causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth.
"He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to
widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country, and a greater gap between rich and poor, than we've had since the Depression.
He instituted illegal wiretaps when getting a warrant from a secret court would have been a mere administrative detail, had his henchmen lie to Congress about it, then claimed he is above the law.
"He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political party since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion dollars, gas prices are up 85%, and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from some religious kooks.
"He is the worst example of a true Christian I've ever known. But compared to Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, George Bush is a saint."
Thanks again for the kit! I love you work, espeically the heritage layyouts.
Have a great day
--Christy
Thanks Robyn, it's an unique kit and it'll be fun to play with it:-)
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday and happy trails! Hope you enjoy your special day and your get away! Thanks for the rockin' kit!!
ReplyDeleteHappy birhday Robyn!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you for the gifts!
Happy birhtday !!! And thank you for the wonderful freebie :)
ReplyDeleteHugz,
Biancka
happy birthday! thanks for the kit, have a good weekend
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday! Have a wonderful weekend! Thank you for the great kit!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!!!!! Has it been a year since I created a Jewish cow for you? Or was that a different celebration!
ReplyDeleteHere's my joke. Told to me about 15 years ago by a client who never wanted me to forget him... Can't remember who he is but I've never forgotten the joke! And it is as clean as it gets!
"Why didn't God make 2 Yogi Bears?
.
.
.
.
Because he made a Boo Boo!"
Hope you are old enough to remember Yogi Bear and BooBoo. Unfortunatly I AM!
Tracey Gilbert Monette
clevermonkeygraphics@hotmail.com
http://clevermonkeygraphics.blogspot.com/
oh yah.... and thanks for the kit.
ReplyDeletesmiles,
Tracey Monette
Happy Birthday, Robyn! I am terrible at jokes - this is the only one I can ever remember:
ReplyDeleteWhy don't dragons eat clowns?
Because they taste funny!
Yes, yes, I know, it's terrible. LOL.
Hip hooray, it's YOUR day!
ReplyDeleteDumb joke: Bubba goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to
come forward and be prayed for.
Bubba gets in line.
When it's his turn the preacher says, "Bubba, what is it you
want me to pray about?" Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you
to pray for my hearing."
So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other
hand on top of his head and prays a while. After a few minutes,
he removes his hands and says, "Bubba how's your hearing now?"
Bubba says, "I don't know preacher, it's not until next Wednesday in
Atlanta".
(Thanks for sharing a birthday treat!)
A Bhuddist walks up to a hotdog cart vendor and says "Make me one with everything!"
ReplyDeleteThanks for the birthday gift! Many more happies in the future!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! How fun for US to get prezzies on YOUR day! And the contests sound so fun, each a super idea! Wish I had one for the joke, but never remember them!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your fabulous gift! I always have hope that I can participate in a challenge, perhaps this one will be different! Again thank you, and happy birthday!
Ila
In lieu of any worthwhile jokes, here is a list of puns from a friend. Hope you see at least one you haven't heard. All groaners, I know.
ReplyDeleteA GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD:
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Wow what a beautiful kit and for free!! thanks.
ReplyDeleteAnd I wish you a very happy birthday.
I am gonna try to make a layout with it, because my jokes are terrible in englisch lol
Being blonde it's ok for me to tell this one. :) My brother sent this one to me.
ReplyDeleteA blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and
stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.
The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...
Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...
"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.
Happy Birthday ! Hope you like the joke and enjoy your Birthday, Robyn. Thanks for the prezzy! :)
Gret
hyacinthbutterfly at hotmail.com
OMG Robyn.. I'm loving ur blog.. and can I please added to mine? Love the video you put everyday..
ReplyDeleteHabby Bday girl btw.. thanks for the freebie
edeline
http://mythoughts.indofunky.com
Happy Birthday, Robyn !!!!
ReplyDeleteHave a great day !
Thanks so much for the great kit !
Here my joke for you :
"Dad, can you write in the dark?"
"I think so. What is it you want me to write?"
"Your name on this report card."
Hugs,
CellyOneill
"Did you hear about the latest actress who went off the deep end and killed her entire family? Shoot, I can't remember her name . . . Whethersomething"
ReplyDelete"Whetherspoon!?"
"No, with a knife"
Happy Birthday Robyn!! And thanks for the COOL KIT!
Sweetpea
Happy birthday!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the great kit!
great contests, fabulous quirky kit and generous giveaway...it must be Happyrobyn's birthday yet again! :) Have a wonderful day, enjoy your steak dinner, enjoy your weekend, I'm happy that you will be able to get away from everything and just relax.
ReplyDeleteI want to tell a joke, tee hee! (even though I already have all your fab kits, and I have to win, this is just too fun)
What is grosser than gross?
When you open up your oven door and your rump roast farts at you!
:) Woot!
Correction...I DON't HAVE to win...duh!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Robyn!!!!!!!! May all of your birthday wishes come true :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for the great kit....and I've had a blast reading the jokes. I may be back later with a joke.....I need to really think about it first. My jokes tend to be a bit more than "slightly off color". I have a warped sense of humor....LOL
hugs,
Shayna
HAPPY BIRTHDAY & thanks so much for the kit!
ReplyDeleteJoke:
Susie comes home from school, and shows her Momma a quarter. Her Momma said, "Where did you get that quarter?" Susie said, "Billy gave it to me for climbling the flagpole!" Her Momma said, "Don't you ever do that again! He's only trying to look up your dress to see your underwear!" The next day Susie comes home from school with a dollar. Her momma yells, "I thought I told you not to climb that flag pole again!" Susie replied, "Don't worry momma, I took off my underwear!!!" :o)
Here's my joke for you Robyn :)
ReplyDeleteOne day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi."
The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me."
So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me."
shaynamaydle@gmail.com
Thanks for the kit! It's really great!
ReplyDeleteHere's my only joke:
A male potato chip and a female potato chip are out on a date, having drinks at a bar. The female potato chip leaves the bar for a minute to go the restroom. While she's gone another female potato chip comes over and asks the male potato chip, "Are you Herrs or Frito Lay?"
ha ha!
Happy Birthday Robyn!
ReplyDeletethank you for the great kit, hope you have a great week end away! :-)
Thankyou for the gift, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. The kit looks fab, thankyou.mand
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Robyn! Thanks ever so much for the gorgeous kit! I am so excited to have an altered kit to try my hand at a bit of altered art. I hope you partied like a rock star LOL
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Robyn! Hope you got to "Party Like A Rock Star" Thank you for the free kit, awesome! :)
ReplyDeleteHere's my stab at making you laugh...
A Fairytale For The Assertive Woman Of The 2000's
Once upon a time,
in a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
self assured princess,
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap
and said:
" Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young Prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night,
on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled to herself and thought:
"I don't think so!"
Happy BDAY!! Here is my lame joke, but I love it -
ReplyDeleteWhat do you do with a dog with no legs???
Take him for a drag!!!
Thanks for the freebie too, it is fab!
dhdozier@hotmail.com
Happy Birthday, Robyn. Thanks so much for the awesome freebie. Can't wait to make something with it. Ok.. now for jokes. I'll go with this one since you're from Texas.
ReplyDeleteThe Chili Contest
If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there's no hope for you!
*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better! For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is in this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili)
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer!
Chili # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3-- I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili)
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili)
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY...and thanks for OUR gift!! LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Robyn. Your stuff is always so unique! Happy belated birthday! :)
ReplyDeleteA salesman walks down a street and knocks on the first door. He can't believe his eyes when a seven year old boy answers the door in a bra, mini-skirt and suspenders. He has a huge stogey cigar in one hand and a massive glass of red wine in the other.
ReplyDeleteThe salesman says...
'Is your mother in?'
The boy replies...
'What the f**k do you think?'
Sorry, but it tickled me! selena x
sledgin at hotmail dot com
so fun....thanks.
ReplyDelete-sheryl
Wow, Happy B-day and thanks for gifting US with a cool kit!
ReplyDeletehow cool- we have the same birthday! :)
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteTY so very much for this really cool kit!!!!!!!!!
Here's another one Robun :)
ReplyDeleteA soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. Out of breath he asked, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later." The nun agreed.
Just a moment later two Military Police came running along and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier running by here?"
The nun replied, "He went that way."
After the MP's disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."
The nun said, "I think I can fully understand your fear."
The soldier added! , "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have a great pair of legs
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls .... I don't want to go to Iraq either."
hugs,
Shayna
shaynamaydle@gmail.com
This is my last one, Robyn. I promise...LOL
ReplyDeleteAfter living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father so he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look
at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
I hope you had a great b'day!!!!!!!
hugs,
Shayna
shaynamaydle@gmail.com
Oh my, I've had so much fun reading all these jokes! Mine seems rather lame in comparison.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you call a smart blond?
a golden retriever
My apologies to all blonds!
thanks so much for the kit Robyn, hope you had a FAB birthday!
Sent on behalf of my wife who loved the kit, but hates my humor, but still recommended I check out today's postings :-).
ReplyDeleteThis was, in fact, voted "world's funniest joke" (you can Google it) a while back by a bunch of researchers (I'm an engineer, so sue me :-)...
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his cell phone and calls emergency services.
He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
Back on the phone, the hunter says, "OK, now what?"
Happy Birthday!
I think I'm too late
ReplyDeletebut here's my link
http://kaytebug2002.blogspot.com/2007/07/challenge.html